I’m writing this because its a subject that runs terror through my veins, every time I hear or see this term used, as I myself am an abused parent and with first hand experience witnessing this type of #abuse I thought it was about time I told my story and see if anyone else feels this way about this vile form of abuse or if they have similar stories. On the internet its often very blunt and cut and dry of what this abuse entails but Id say its far from cut and dry and I’m still on the fence if it exists at all I feel it really comes under coercive control but hey what do I know?
I want to add that my opinions in this article are my own I am not qualified in any way to confirm that any of these ideas are of fact , these are my own experiences of “PAS” (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and the effects I have seen on children and my self. I want this article to raise awareness that PAS is not cut and dry and there needs to be highly qualified independent people that make decisions when this type of accusation is brought up I want to try and keep it as gender neutral as possible too as I am very aware that both men and women can be perpetrators of abuse.
I want this article to raise awareness that PAS is not cut and dry
Children are been severely let down when this PAS is been thrown about by perpetrators as a red herring to deter from the very problem which is in fact them, Id also like to add that PAS Parental Alienation Syndrome is not actually recognized as a legitimate syndrome in the UK and has been in great debate by fathers rights groups and women’s advocacy groups weather it is accepted as a psychological syndrome at all.
- Counter parenting – Literally refusing to communicate with the other parent (leaving them in control and the other parent helpless and the children confused)
- Using it to try and cut out the other parent, so as if they don’t exist anymore.-resulting in the children having to act and watch what they say all the time.(horrendous emotional abuse)
- Refusing to attend events of the children’s-such as school plays and sports days if the other parent is attending too. (putting their own needs above those of the children)
- Causing atmospheres for the children and the other parent-as above or awkward painful situations for them making them choose or feel helpless
- Not allowing the children to speak about their other parent in their presence-creating a split life and emotional turmoil for the children
- Acting like the child is a possession rather than an actual little human with their own thoughts and feelings-totally dismissing the child
- Blame-blaming the other parent when the child does not want to do something or has a different opinion to the abusive parent.
- Abusing the other parent verbally-usually in front of the children and threats scaring the children
- Immature parenting-their way or the high way demands and threatening.
- Lying about the history of the relationship with the other parent and denying abuse ( even when the children witnessed it themselves) rewriting history which is a horrendous emotional manipulation and abuse of the children gas-lighting the child for own gains.
- Hostile parenting- basically been as awkward as possible using court to discuss contact without even trying to be amicable for example using a financial advantage to intimidate the protective parent and gain upper hand
- Financially abusing the other parent-deliberately causing poverty for the children and other parent leaving the children confused.
- These are just a few there are many more…
Children and protective parents are been severely let down when this PAS is been thrown about by perpetrators as a red herring to deter from the very problem which is in fact them
My ex had custody of his daughter when I met him. I thought this was so sweet when I found out he had a child and couldn’t wait to meet her. But this rosy picture I had of this dotting father and his little girl was not the reality I came to see. By the time I met his daughter I was already pregnant, Id asked a few times why he had custody as its unusual and wandered where her mum could be,but he never gave the same answer, it was always brushed off as he didn’t want to talk about it.
Anyway when I met my step daughter I was shocked that she was forbidden from talking about her mum. I found this out when I asked if she had a good time at her mums at contact. ( I thought it was just a normal question and I was genuinely interested in what she had done) She started to tell me that she had had some olives and then we were abruptly interrupted by my ex her father ,he said he didn’t want any talk like that in the house and that I should mind my own F-ing business. We both looked at each other and went silent.
when I met my step daughter I was shocked that she was forbidden from talking about her mum
I honestly thought yikes what have I done I was only trying to be nice. I looked at my step daughter and I wanted to say she can talk about what she wanted but I have to admit I was in shock and in my truth for a moment I actually had to really think about what Id said wandering if I had talked out of turn. I shrugged it off a bit and just convinced myself that he must have a really good reason but I was also too scared to carry on with the subject after the way he just spoke to us and his daughter looked terrified. I should have questioned him and told him not to speak to me like that or to her but when your in the situation like that and pregnant I didn’t want to rock the boat and Id already started to see his true colours cracking through and I was young and scared pregnant and very worried about the future.
I did approach the subject a few more times as I really wanted to know what her mum could possibly have done that was so bad. He said in anger a few times that he didn’t expect to get full custody he only wanted to fight her to show her she couldn’t get away with it. I asked what he meant by that but he would never ever answer me (mind games). I witnessed him neglect his daughter emotionally her needs and feelings were totally dismissed consistently he treated her like a total inconvenience and seemed mad with her all the time, I felt like I was stuck in the middle and I was also intimidated by him. I once caught his sister hitting her and when I told him he called me a lier and spat all over my face and my newborn son in my arms. After that day I packed my stuff and I went to rent a house near my sister just myself and the baby shortly after he turned up with his daughter said he was going to the casino and that he might be going to prison tomo for a few weeks (he actually got 3 years and didnt even tell his daughter where he was going or say goodbye).
I don’t want any child to have to go through this emotional torment it is abuse! it is child abuse! and the myth that it is the full time parent is only guilty of this needs exposing as the truth of this PAS is very different
Obviously I have a lot more stories like this one but as you can tell many years have passed and my real concern now after finally splitting for good with this man is if a judge allows unsupervised contact with my children and will they be subjected to what my step daughter endured , that my free happy expressive children will be made to feel scared and helpless and watchful of what they say. My concerns are very real after watching the severe effect this sort of PAS had on my step daughter and her mother and still has. I don’t want any child to have to go through this emotional torment it is abuse! it is child abuse! and the myth that it is the full time parent is only guilty of this needs exposing as the truth of this PAS is very different, this sort of dynamic confuses children it makes them feel unsafe and it leaves them emotionally confused worried and fearful it is also emotional and coercive abuse of the protective parent which is usually the target of the abusive person anyway an the whole point they create this PAS situation.
When black is black and white is white and children are been taught what is right and what is wrong and they are finding themselves in the world they are testing boundaries , they are learning and they need stability physically and mentally to thrive and this sort of behavier from a parent or caregiver can damage a child so severely examples:
I know what it feels like to be a parent that is trying to protect my children from emotional abuse. It feels like you are trying to get your point across while stood 1ft away from a cliff edge
If a child witnessed a parent behaving inappropriately and then that child’s history is re-written by the (abusive parent) there reality gets distorted and they can then become angry or withdrawn (like my step daughter she became very withdrawn he re wrote her history on many occasions ) lack self esteem and start to feel they cant trust any adults or even their own mind, because abusive parents don’t own their mistakes they lie manipulate cause utter chaos to judges and ultimately their child’s mind. These parents know the damage they do they just don’t care as all they want is power and control and for the protective parent to feel powerless and punish the other parent for leaving them. Its a way they continue abusing the other parent at the expense of their own children and it is an easy way to get away with it. These types of parents are utterly barbaric and toxic and no child can benefit having a parent like this in their lives.
If a child witnessed a parent behaving inappropriately and then that child’s history is re-written by the (abusive parent) there reality gets distorted and they can then become angry or withdrawn
Iv seen it Iv lived it and now I’m fearful that innocent children and parents are at risk of continuation emotional abuse if these parents are not held accountable and stopped. PAS is a very scary subject as are all subjects where emotional coercive control and abuse reside. I’m personally scared of the word it sends a shiver down my spine as I myself am a victim of emotional abuse and my children are at risk of emotional abuse using PAS and myself too.
This type of accusation can be used by the abusive parent to throw a red herring into custody battles resulting in catastrophic mistakes been made by Caffcass judges and social services. Parents who commit this type of abuse are appalling they are only about power and control its never about the children its always about them so the surface needs lifting on these cases looked at thoroughly so that more children like my step daughter don’t slip through the net into the hands of the real abusive parent.
My step daughter is living proof that a parent like this can fool the system, they can secretly cause hell for the protective parent using their own children as porn’s in their revenge plan to crawl back power and control from the other parent.
My step daughter is living proof that a parent like this can fool the system
This is only part of my story and my experiences of it as the full custodial parent, I never wanted to believe that someone can actually use their own children but they do and they do it freely without remorse and unless this PAS is exposed for everything it is these perpetrators could potentially keep coming up smelling of roses while innocent children and parents suffer for years and for generations afterwards effecting all of society.
Coming from a mum who is not perfect but has lived and witnessed and seen the pattern. I know what it feels like to be a parent that is trying to protect my children from emotional abuse. It feels like you are trying to get your point across while stood 1ft away from a cliff edge. You are usually already depleted from the abuse this type of parent has reined down on you already for years.
Please Judges Caffcass and anyone in a position to be able to help save these children, mothers and fathers and get the patterns exposed as In my research Iv found that PAS or PA in a court room is becoming the next way an abusive perpetrator can use to continue the separation abuse and coercive control of their ex partners at the expense of their children, leaving usually unrepresented parents helpless to genuinely protect their children. Abusive parents will stop at nothing and in my own experience I do think that pas could actually have some ground as a legitimate syndrome but its very very dodgy ground and to me its more of in the bracket of coercive control which is a very real form of abuse and now as we all know illegal in the UK.
to me its more of in the bracket of coercive control which is a very real form of abuse and now as we all know illegal in the UK.
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