Something that’s not talked about is what #financial #abuse actually entails. A lot of us have heard about it as it’s in the media a lot lately but the thing is financial abuse is a very personal experience to each individual person and it can play out in many ways and it can happen to anyone. This enables perpetrators of this type of abuse to remain under the radar and able to comit this abuse in plain sight of society. Even the target is often blind to whats going on at first as I was. Making it even harder for the targeted person to get help due to the shame of not realising what the #perpetrator was doing until it was too late. That’s why I’m telling my story in hope that others will follow me and tell theirs so we can show the pattern and that financial abuse is at the roots of #domestic #violence and a way to gain #control and it is a problem for society not just the victim.
My ex partner #financially abused me throughout my decade relationship with him and he continues to financially abuse myself at the expense of his own #children 3 years after I separated from him, but he does not see that what he’s done and still doing to us as abuse because he has an entitled mindset that allows him to think that he is superior and in control and that he is somehow the victim because I had the cheek to want to leave him and that me his target deserves what hes done and continues to do, he justifies this with his entitlement has Male privilege attitude which is a common trait in perpetrators of domestic abuse.
I feel ashamed that I didn’t see what was happening before it was too late and my only mistake was trusting someone I thought cared about me and his children and I thought that he would always put them first . This was a grave mistake I made and one looking back I chose to do only because I was manipulated into a false sense of security by a predator who’s only mission was control over me and can only think about his own needs period.
When I met my ex I was very young I had perfect credit and a mortgage and my apartment had 50 thousand calateral in it. I had a good job and was doing ok , I didn’t have any plans I was just #happy go lucky and I was having fun.
I met my ex and he was great he was fun charming and bubbly and I thought he was amazing he was a lot older than me and looking back I naively put him on a pedestal.
He spun me a string of lies and I didn’t fall for them blindly I just had no reason not to believe him. I go into them in more detail in my book THE HIDDEN SECRETS BEHIND THE WHITE PICKET FENCE out late 2018
Over the years because of unforeseen circumstances I had to use my savings and I couldn’t work as much as I wanted because my ex went to prison out of the blue and I had custody of his children which I was bringing up alone. I used all my money supporting them and before I knew I was using my credit cards to keep my head above water.
When he came out of prison I really genuinely wanted to believe he was going to take the pressure off me and help and support me which he had promised while in prison after years of holding everything together and my life on hold. I’d got us a lovely home and the kids were happy and settled in schools nearby. I thought he would be proud But when he came out it wasn’t anything like I thought , i was made to feel guilty for having everything under control i was made to feel like i was a horrible person because I was independant and he kept saying that i was trying to control him and I needed to let him take charge. I didn’t really get what he ment as everything revolved around his whims. I offered to put him as the main tenant to make him feel better but he refused he said it was a stupid suggestion and that the house wasnt big enough and that he didnt feel like a man in this house, he was moody aggressive and extremely sorry for himself all the time and I was walking on eggshells constantly I felt like a stranger in my own home and looking back he started abusing me as soon as he got out of prison . He only thought of himself and often said that he was a victim and how did I think he felt in prison all that time even though this was entirely his doing he could not ever just chill and work with me he always wanted control to the point sometimes I felt like I was loosing my personality along with my financial freedom and he was constantly gaslighting me.
Not long after he came home I found I was pregnant with my second child and this is when it escalated. Throughout my pregnancy he kept threatening that if I didn’t move house then he would not be living with us as he wanted us to go into a bigger house but I couldn’t understand why as the house was 3 bed their was only 3 of us soon to be four but he coercivly manipulated me and went awol as a threat leaving me preg and alone again until out of desparation I agreed to his demands. I agreed under coercion and #emotional exhurstion to leave a place my first child and I had called home since he was 9 months old I was pregnant and vulnerable . He kept saying “do you think you can’t trust me ” and I felt obliged to say of course I do. I was terrified of being alone again and pregnant I didn’t want to leave a house I could afford alone incase he left and move into a tenancy that wasn’t secure but I didn’t want him to feel less of a man in a small house and felt guilty for not trusting him. The house he wanted could only be afforded by 2 of us as rents had gone up a lot but I felt I didn’t have much choice. He had tricked and coeirced me into feeling safe till i agreed only to pull the rug from under me as soon as I let my guard down. All I wanted was to be happy and have fun and be free and enjoy my pregnancy
something he hadn’t let me do with my first child with his control . I felt like my life was being turned upside down again but looking back I don’t think I could see what he was really doing. I kept thinking of him. And I didn’t recognise myself as abused as he never hit me.
I had my second child and I begged him on the day we were moving please don’t make us leave this house please think of the children and me and what will happen if you end up leaving us I was crying reminiscing the lovely memories my first child and I had had over the years we had been in that house. It was our haven but he told me I was pathetic and it was just bricks and mortar and that I was insulting him not trusting him so I dryed my eyes and we moved to the big house.
Things were strained I was desperately subconsciously working my arse off trying to get myself financially stable because I felt totally out of control of my own life I felt like I was back at home like a teenager and had to ask for money , I’d never been in this position in my life and it was terribly upsetting for me. The house was far too big we were rattling around in it and had no neighbours and i felt isolated and I didn’t want to decorate as it didn’t feel like a home. My ex was out all the time and I was so lonely and if I tried to talk to him he would give me the #silent #treatment for days or scream abuse at me , his favourite was he had it all under control and I should shut my fucking mouth . I was miserable and felt helpless so I threw myself into work and the kids and built up my business to the point it was doing well . Things came to ahead and I tried to talk to my ex about splitting for 6 months I tried but he point blank refused every time I asked if we could talk he said we have nothing to talk about so in July 2014 I told him I was splitting I’d made the decision alone because he refused to communicate . He said that it wasn’t happening and he went awol and said as soon as I come to my senses he will come back but basically he abandoned a joint tenancy coercivly and deliberately because I wanted to split. I was in shock I desperately tried to keep things together with work but as I had the kids alone now I couldn’t work properly he ignored my pleas and laughed he told me to do as I was told and everything will be fine and he will come back. I realised if I lived on protein shakes I could just pay the rent lone and I managed to move the bill money to cover the bills just in time before he drained the account.
He cut up my back cards so I had to order new ones and he locked my work computer so I couldn’t speak to customers. All this while he was awol waiting for me to crack. And he didn’t once ask about the kids. I lost chunks of my hair over the months it came out in clumps and was having death threats at this point from him. I pushed on desparatly trying to hold things together for my children and then when he realised that I must have been paying the bills he came in and stole all my stock for my business so totally sabotaged my income completely. The police said there was nothing thry could do because he is on the tenancy. My children and I inevitably were heading towards eviction but my parents managed to raise money at the last min and my old house came back up on the market £150 pm more but we got it back.
I nearly got back with him when I got settled in the house because I was exhursted from caring for the kids and trying to salvage and rebuild months lost of my sabotaged business but I realised he won’t ever change he wasn’t sorry he was actually pissed off with me for not behaving myself so I told him it was over and after a rage of abuse in front of the children he disappeared for 2 years. He pays £30 each For my children a month begrudgingly through cms as he fiddles his accounts to be on the lowest amount. I have rebuilt my life and my children’s over the last couple of years but that’s not stopped the financial abuse he does not pay fairly for his children as a punishment for me leaving him at their expense he’s actually told me this is his reason. He also pretends he cannot see them (but has never asked) and he uses the #family court to continue abuse of me pretending he can’t see them. It’s financial #coercive emotional abuse. My children never go without as I work hard and my family help a lot but it’s still abuse I’m still very much being abused by my ex partner .
This sort of thing is playing out behind closed doors all over the world Who else has stories similar please share your stories comment below