As if being a #single parent isn’t a hard enough job as it is, no matter what the rewards seeing our beautiful children thrive and become the amazing individuals that they are its no secret that single parenthood is at times lonely exhausting mentally, physically and financially draining and thats when there is a coparent helping you with the ups and downs together but for a lot of single patents its a sad reality that the reason we ended up single parents was by leaving an abusive relationship and after leaving a relationship like this it often does not mean the end of the abuse. Having children with people like this can be challenging to say the least.
I was with my emotiinally financially and coercivly abusive ex for about a decade. I eventually left in 2014 but he didn’t let myself and the children go easily and we are still to this day being financially abused and he’s still emotionally abusing me through the family courts. It’s becoming known as separation abuse where an ex partner uses the system to carry on coercive #control of their ex partner using #counter #parenting and hostility to enable continuation of abuse. This type of abuse makes it hard to move on get closure and all go separate ways. Mine has been going on 3 years now of separation abuse and iv put together some mindful steps that iv been using to help me deal with this type of parent so myself and my children can move on as best we can and not keep being dragged into the darkness of a #hostile parent.
1.) Cherish the time you have with your children and enjoy the little things , the things you can do today. I found myself constantly worrying about the future and realised if I carried on I was going to miss out on the now.
2.) Give yourself compliments . Remember you left for a reason and your ex was never going to miraculously change their ways. Mine got worse after i split wuth him and I hadn’t prepared myself for that I just thought I’d be free and it would stop but when we have children they can use that against us so I found it best not to feed his drama,don’t rise to it because we cannot control the actions of someone else we can only control how we choose to react and like a bully they want to see us upset. Don’t let them see you upset save that for your pillow.
3.)Don’t rise to the #financial abuse No matter how hard and frustrating it is to be financially abused and have no help when we are working so hard to make ends meet. Don’t ask for help more than once As any genuine protective parent like ourselves would never have to be asked to support our children we just do it and asking them or letting them know it’s hard etc makes them feel powerful and it does not change the situation in fact they thrive off seeing you struggle. Iv struggled on after my ex sabotaged my business and got myself and the kids evicted he continues to manipulate his income so he has to pay basically nothing but so be it. I know what he’s doing and no amount of showing him im struggling will help as this type of parent wants you to struggle at the expense of their children and this is why we are not with them. So just go to the cms and keep the paper work.
4.) Be amicable even if it kills you. Iv found that I’m at peace more when I don’t rise to stuff he does and i think 100% of my children and my self. My ex tells me to stfu and im not talking to you bitch at will in front of the children at handova and I just have to let him and ignore him. My children hear it too and they know it’s wrong but there is nothing I can do to stop him and if I started saying stuff back which believe me I want to then it wouldn’t get me anywhere and be awful the children . Like a bully I’m hoping one day he will get fed up when he gets no rise.
5.) Exercise and Eat healthy and norish your mental health. Take baths and listen to music talk and write about your experiences. Iv found that reading and writing has enabled me to get all my pain out of my head and also it’s enabled me to help others too.
6.) Keep social , speak to a dv advocate ,I know it’s easy to isolate yourself and self-esteem to take a beating but it’s important to remember who you are in it all and have fun with friends. It’s very hard basically being bullied.
7.) Hold space for you and for your ex it’s something iv found to have a very positive effect on me. See more about holding space her
8.) Let your children be honest with their feelings . They need to be free to express their own feelings about what they witness and feel as everyone in the family will have their own take on things depending on age and perception and what they have witnessed . My opinion of my ex is my own. The children both have their own opinion which is honoured by me always for example my little girl says I love my daddy but I don’t like him being nasty to you mummy. And I’ll say I know you do and I don’t like him being nasty to me either. Facts straight to the point validation. In my head im saying i hate the nasty evil man and i feel like crying because i dont want my child to even have to see their father abuse me. It’s very hard because we are only human but to take the moral high ground takes a lot more strength and it’s best for the children in the long run to be able to know that they can express exactly how they feel and our personal opinions kept for friends.
I hope this helps a bit and please tell your stories or ask advice , it’s a horrible heart breaking situation when one parent refuses to be amicable and put the #childfirst