#Coercive #control is a term developed by #Evan #Stark to help us to understand #domestic #abuse as more than a ‘fight’. It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victims liberty of freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just a persons bodily integrity which is violated but also their human rights. I believe Coercive control is a deliberate poisoning of someone’s very soul and is a cruel form of abuse and often hidden.
I believe Coercive control is a deliberate poisoning of someone’s very soul a cruel attack on ones mental health a vile form of abuse often hidden and un punished . by growthfulsouls
Coercive control is a deliberate act and one of the worst forms of abuse. It is used to keep control, gain control and continue control of their victim and it can be used well after separation and secretly used throughout a relationship to make the victim keep wandering if they are the problem. Coercive control is now recognised as a criminal offence and it carries up to 5 years in prison as well as a fine but very few people don’t even know they are been abused so Iv created 10 examples but please feel free to comment your story too so we can help others and spread awareness.
Coercive control is now recognised as a criminal offence and it carries up to 5 years in prison as well as a fine
Examples of Coercive control:
1.) Unreasonable Demands, often followed by threats, pressure, gas lighting and physical assault if you don’t agree. (my ex would often do this an example was when I asked him what day would he like to have the children after we split. ) He would never give a straight answer and would say “you tell me” this would leave me feeling panicked as I knew I wasn’t allowed to suggest anything as he perceived it as control of him so I was always on guard when he made a “normal suggestion” and rightly so as it resulted in verbal abuse and threats to my life. I started with a reasonable suggestion what about every Saturday ( as this is an arrangement a few friends and #family had with their ex partners). I would be met with “F**k U try again!” so Id go through every day of the week and each day was met with the same “F**k U!” until there were no more days left in the week so I would say ” you will have to tell me what day “and he would scream “F**K U! I’m going to F**King kill U! do you really think I’m going to be a babysitter so you can have a life after leaving me ? You must be Mad! I’m not been a babysitter so you can go out you SLAG!” by this point Id be in tears and be kicking myself that I got sucked into his mind games with my head whirling wandering if it was me, it was total crazy making #emotional coercive abuse. Id try not to cry and Id say what do you want me to do
he would scream “F**K U! I’m going to F**King kill U! do you really think I’m going to be a babysitter so you can have a life after leaving me ?
( bearing in mind I had 2 children trying to get my attention by this point which he could clearly hear and didn’t care) but I dare not put the phone down as he might turn up in person. He would then scream so loud down the phone that you would think I had the phone on speaker “watch what happens to you F**king Slag , I’m going to take you to court because I can and I will and I’m going to ruin you!” the phone would then go dead and Id be left with my head in bits my heart racing like Id just done a spin class and anxiety which I then had to supress to meet my children’s needs all this and he hadn’t even laid a finger on me and not in a relationship with him anymore. Please share your experiences of unreasonable demands in the comments.
2.) Degradation AKA malicious name calling or bullying behaviour. My example of this is above but other tactics are name calling such as your fat , your ugly , unlovable and that no one will want you, that your a slag and nothing without them basically anything to make you feel less than and worthless.
3.) Restricting Daily Activities this could be your daily gym session, meeting your family or work. Mine used to constantly slag my sister off he did this before he had even met her so there was no reason for it and he would tell me my friends hated me and they were laughing at me ( Iv been friends with these #women since I was 11 years old I’m now heading into my late 30’s but it still made me feel awful inside when it was said often enough. This is a strong red flag.
he would tell me my friends hated me and they were laughing at me
4.) Threats & Intimidation as soon as your behaviour isn’t to their demands so you end up changing your routines or dropping friends, family time and this can include sex too “bla blas’s wife does it what’s wrong with u?) example and please note a loving genuine partner would never say anything like this it is coercive control.
5.)Financial Control this can include constant monitoring of your spending or giving you an allowance (making you feel out of control of your own life)
6.) Monitoring your Time Stalking your movements, unwanted contact or been controlling about how you spend your time and who with this is coercive control. ( an example: mine used to cause arguments a few days before I was going out to have a night out with friends he would reduce me to tears , keep me up for hours bullying and name calling until my eyes were so puffy and I was so exhausted I would cancel my plans. After a few years I did start to notice a pattern as it would always happen when I was going out. When I knew there was a pattern I would try my best not to engage or go very quiet or act like I wasn’t really bothered about going out to play it down but its very hard not to retaliate when someone is been so cruel. Another he used to do is deliberately not answer his phone when I was out with my friends (like a punishment) he would do this a lot and when I would text to ask if the baby was ok ( first nights out after she was born) he would not reply and I don’t mean a few minutes I mean hours and Id text again saying that I was worried ( let me add this man does not have his phone away from his ear) he would still not reply so after a few hours I would start to grow concerned and I would only be focusing on my children and could not enjoy my night. Id tell my friends and they would try and reassure me but after calling a few times and no reply Id be wanting to get in a taxi to go home. He would then answer WHAT! and pretend he didn’t hear the calls or see the texts ( this happened very often) but only on my nights out never when I wasn’t out. It made me feel like it wasn’t worth going out it ruined my nights and I started making excuses to my friends as I didn’t want to ruin their nights too. Its snide deliberate coercive control emotional abuse technique that they use it is cruel and they use your children against you knowing you are only texting because of them which you would do if it was a babysitter they make out you are OTT and deluded etc paranoid even but you are not. Please comment your stories like this below
keep me up for hours bullying and name calling until my eyes were so puffy and I was so exhausted I would cancel my plans
7.) Taking you phone away or changing your passwords to your laptop, phones and iPad’s so you cant use them. Mine did this to me when I told him I wanted to split up he hid my bank cards so I had to order new ones and he locked my laptop so I could not access it for work. He tried to say the kids had done it but the man in the shop said only an adult could have maliciously done this as they have put an encryption lock on it mind games and gas lighting its crazy making.
when I told him I wanted to split up he hid my bank cards so I had to order new ones and he locked my laptop so I could not access it for work
8.) Also restricting mobility If you are unable to leave the house. Or use your car because they wont allow it, or they try to isolate you from friends, colleges and family please seek help these are red flags. When I wanted to split with my ex he took our family shared car and put himself in a hotel I then had no way of doing the school run and he said all I have to do is behave myself and everything will be fine.
9.) Deprivation of food constantly and deliberately takes your means and food or limits your allowances to punish and abuse you how they see fit. My ex stole all my business stock when I was on the school run after I told him I wanted to split and I then had no money or means to pay the joint tenancy he had abandoned or to even feed myself or my two children for months he refused to give it back.
My ex stole all my business stock when I was on the school run after I told him I wanted to split and I then had no money or means to pay the joint tenancy he had abandoned or to even feed myself or my two children for months he refused to give it back
10.) Destruction of possessions to gain control as above an example mine did was stealing my business stock and locking my laptop so I could not work , his plan was so I would have no choice but to take him back (this is coercive control)
These are only examples of what coercive control is and the devastating affects it can have on women men and children subjected to it. Please help me spread awareness and stories of coercive abuse as it is still very much a hidden form of domestic abuse. Coercive abuse is about #power and control it destroys lives.
Amazing books to read on Coercive control , I highly recommend all of these books Iv read them all more than once.
The brilliant book from the Freedom programme please contact if you want to attend this program I can point you in the right direction and its amazing for anyone suffering from all types of abuse
and a new book that’s just come out Iv not read this one yet but its been highly recommended to me by many
and last but no way least the book by the amazing Evan Stark